Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Never underestimate the power of titties
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