My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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