matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my liver is dry heaving
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
