I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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