dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
