Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
