I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
