Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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