i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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