The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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