When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
