??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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