I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
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