peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
