did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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