She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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