I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
