im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really busy with my period
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