I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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