this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
