I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize