I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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