apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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