A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
