Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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