Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
