i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
