My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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