I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
