He uses pillows to masturbate.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
