you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize