Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Your dad touched me again.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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