I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize