Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
pray to the hookup gods
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize