On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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