He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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