Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
