WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
