and you said cock pushups were impossible
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
