You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
