party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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