she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
