I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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