Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
