So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drunk is not a location!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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