so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
