I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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