her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
