My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
