i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
