Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
