You don't have asthma, your pregnant
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
