I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
