Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
