Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
