I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
