I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
it hurts more in the daytime
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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