everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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