Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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