Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
